Resting/Reading Nook
Last week, I posted pictures from my graduation from Dance at Illinois, the dance program at the University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana….The post mysteriously disappeared off my Instagram, so maybe I’ll repost it, but you can truly just take my word for it that I was fine as hell in my dress! At first, I was hesitant to wear it and a little uncomfortable in it, because, well… To be very honest, I never graduated from college before and I didn’t really know what was appropriate for the occasion. Ha! Anyway, I really didn’t have anything else to wear anyhow. So, shit, there my fine ass was at a graduation ceremony and on somebodies babies daddy’s Instagram feed in my little cute ass dress that FemiChic gifted me. graduating with a Bachelor’s of Fine Arts Degree.
Use code: CHIC for 15% off at Femi Chic!
Here’s the gag: I still have like a whole semester of credit hours to complete before I actually get a degree from the University. I met all the requirements of the dance department and I can finish my last 4 classes online, but, for transparency, I haven’t technically graduated yet. The finish line is so close yet so damn far away. I started my collegiate career at U of I in 2007. At this point, they need to just give me an honorary degree. I done ran up all the financial aid assistance I could get, and I don’t know how I’m gone’ pay for this last semester of unnecessary ass bullshit filler classes. I’m MF TIED! Fuck them courses. JK. I’ll figure it out. I always do.
The reason it’s taking me so long to get this degree is because my mom has been diagnosed with a terminal illness 3 times over the last decade. I decided to drop everything, so I could save my mother’s life. No cap! My mom was at the faux-ceremony on Mother’s Day, alive and well and proud as ever. So as much as I have to complain about, I really cannot complain about the decisions I’ve made to let my own ambitions take a backseat to my God-given gift to heal others, especially my mama.
Lord, my family has been going through some shit. On the last day of my last Spring Break, my brother was arrested in a scandalous ass national headlines type of case. I’ve helped raise him for 24 years and his face was all over the news. I wanted nothing more than to crawl under a rock somewhere and just chill with SpongeBob’s best friend Patrick Star. Starfish, Starfish, yeah that’s me! I started getting all type of hateful ass messages and fake love when that shit happened. I’m still getting hit up about it. People we haven’t seen in decades and people out the country were looking me up to talk to me about it. It took everything in me not to drop out of school again and just be there with my mom through the fuckery. But I stuck in there!
It was rough. Especially after I misplaced the one thing that seemed to keep me focused and on task, a Law of Attraction planner. Granted, when I had it, I never really utilized it to its full potential. It’s really a cool planner, with activities and room to journal and all type of stuff in it. But I was only using it to keep up with my tasks. Well, how about I just found it the other day. And it occurred to me that I’m really good at faking the funk and appearing to have my shit together when in reality everything is coming undone around me.
Forget a Bachelor’s of Fine Arts, I’ve mastered the art of deception. If you’ve asked me how I’m doing lately, and I said, “Fine,” girl I was lying. I’m damn near losing my mind, actually. I haven’t had a job in a year. I’ve been neglecting my relationship, my friends, my passions and myself altogether. I’ve been in auto-pilot/savage mode. I’m traumatized and everything feels like a trigger. I don’t have space to keep holding everything in. I need to vent. Shit is hitting the fan. Everybody got me bent, and I’m trying to learn how to not break when I bend. I’m trying to learn how to say what I mean and not regret how it’s said. I’ve been on edge. If you follow me and think I have it all figured out, then you’ve surely been misled. It’s about time we all start spending more time exploring our true selves.
Relax a little…
So I was flipping through my planner last night, and found this prompt: How can I love myself and enjoy life more?
The question hit me like a ton of bricks, and after sitting with it a while, here’s what I came up with:
Do a few things for yourself at the top and bottom everyday. (I.e stretching, rehearsing..life of an artist)
Eat healthy (as silly as it sounds, when I eat better, I feel the health).
Don’t over commit.
Say no if you don’t want to or cant. Don’t try to accommodate either.
Do what’s best for you, even if it’s not best for someone else.
Talk to people. Don’t keep it all bottled in.
Plan and when things don’t work out, be flexible.
Be alone. Write. Read. Take a walk in nature.
Unplug once a week.
Vacation at least once a month. (I’m reaching, but someday I’ll achieve that lifestyle)
Lastly, don’t rush things that you’re not ready for. Take your time to find yourself. Be kind to yourself and others. They say growth lives in the uneasiness…so don’t go back to the old shit you used to do, once you ascend to a new level of consciousness. Period. When you make mistakes, hold yourself accountable, but don’t beat yourself up. And always remember that life will throw you lemons, but we make lemonade…. okay I wanted to add a lot more, but 11 seemed like a lot already.
Feel free to try some of my self care tips for yourself! And get the planner here
I would LOVE to hear your stories and ways you can love yourself and enjoy life more! Comment below!
All my love,
Star
